Pepper Monkey

By Doug Markell

    Just when you thought it could not get any stranger, it did. The White House today announced that a government-funded “multibrazillion” dollar research effort has produced definitive proof that God, not Evolution, is responsible for the physical form of all life on the planet. A high ranking government official, who insisted on anonymity to avoid the “appearance of a conflict of interest”, introduced project head Mia Culpa, lead researcher, and co-chair of the conservative “Because We Said So” Foundation. Ms. Culpa told reporters that the discovery of the entirely “new” family of birds was made by missionaries in a hitherto unexploited and remote region of the globe. The location of the find, according to the high ranking government official, is being withheld for “reasons of national security.” Ms. Culpa went on to describe the highly unusual bird and its attributes. Attributes so unquestionably imperfect, according to Ms. Culpa, that if “evolution were a fact, this poor creature would not exist today, yesterday, or ever. This animal could only be on earth at all because the Lord created it exactly how it is right now, period!” So enamored by the seeming “paradox of imperfection demonstrating perfection” the Republican Party has added adopting the bird as its new mascot as a plank in the platform of the upcoming GOP National convention. But there is more.

    From the podium, Ms. Culpa displayed a large graphic of the new bird species, pointing out that one striking feature of the animal is a disproportionately large right wing, or “God wing”, as referred to by Ms. Culpa, which “represents the good right hand of God”, while the left wing is by all appearances perfectly proportional to the animals body. Ms. Culpa also referred to the left wing as the “Chicken Wing.” Ms. Culpa went on to point out that at the of tip of the God wing is what she described as a “combat knuckle”; a bulbous knoblike callus that is used primarily for internecine combat, but is also used to stun prey items, which consist mainly of their own young. When asked if, based on her description, the bird was “flightless”, Ms. Culpa replied that bird was, “on the contrary, an ‘accomplished flier’ and an inspiration to all ‘True Believers’”, adding “the fact that this bird can indeed soar demonstrates the Right’s ability to overcome the inherent weakness of the Left. Displaying true Conservative Values, this noble animal takes wing, flies in a circle and always comes back to roost where it took off from. This behavior clearly demonstrates the importance of home and family to the species.” When pressed by skeptical pool reporters about the claims of flight, Ms. Culpa explained that the bird, at “great peril to itself,” climbs to dizzying heights “via podia”, (‘it walks’). Driven by the urge to flight, the bird catapults itself into midair from cloud-piercing heights, launched forward with the aid of a powerful and highly specialized middle digit called the “kicking toe”. The kicking toe, when held straight above the head is also used to display hostile intent, said Ms. Culpa. Once “aloft” the creature begins to flap its wings wildly. However, the aerodynamic imbalance caused by its dominant right wing makes it impossible for the bird to fly straight or gain altitude. The bird’s curious asymmetry forces it into a downward trajectory that describes a tight counterclockwise “death spiral”, culminating in speeds approaching those of a falling rock. Incredulous reporters questioned Ms. Culpa about how the bird could possibly survive, let alone “come home to roost”, after a delirious semi-freefall from nosebleed inducing heights. Ms. Culpa pointed out an enormous air-filled structure on the bird’s chest, the “windbag”, she said slows the plunging decent by “breaking wind”, and acting as an airbrake. In its natural environment, the bird keeps the windbag full in a constant threat display. Fortunately the windbag also cushions the inevitable hard landing, said Ms. Culpa. A thick layer of chest hair-like feathers further inflates the appearance of the chest, but offers no real protection. Asked the reason the bird even performs the “going for broke” high-altitude flying maneuver, Ms. Culpa, offered that “the bird is virtually fearless. By plunging from death defying heights and surviving, it is demonstrating its strength of character, leadership ability, and an abiding faith in God!”

    Somewhere between bemused and annoyed, this reporter had to ask why the birds’ eyes were on the back of what appeared to be a small knob-like head perched at the end of long, featherless, pencil thick red neck. “The eyes are at the back of the head so the bird can see potential attackers coming from behind”, explained Ms. Culpa. “The configuration is also emblematic of the traditional value of looking backward to avoid changing course. The facts in front of you should never influence your direction. And after all, that’s what really defines ‘Conservatism’, isn’t it?”

    “What about the thin red neck and knob head?” I asked. “Well, when confronted with an indefensible position, the bird lets out a loud sound to distract its adversary, and then indulges in a somewhat self-deprecating maneuver analogous to that performed by Ostriches, but it doesn’t exactly stick its head in the ground”, explained Ms. Culpa. “Are saying the bird screeches, and then performs a self-directed ‘cranio-rectal inversion’ for lack of less sanguine expression?” I queried. “Well, I wouldn’t actually call it a 'screech'. I think the bird’s scientific name actually describes the sound quite well”, replied Ms. Culpa. “And the scientific name is…?” I asked. “It’s named ‘Scoreggia pasqualiensis’, after the Italian ornithologist who first heard the bird’s cry”, said Ms. Culpa. “So, the guy who heard it first, his name is Pasqual Scoreggia? You said the name describes the sound it makes”, I replied. “Well, the ornithologist’s name is Enzo Pasquali. The sound that the bird makes is actually described by the Italian word ‘scoreggia’. It refers to a sound produced by the ‘neither regions’ of the human body.” “You mean from the butt?’” I queried. “Exactly.” replied Ms. Culpa.

    Incredulous, I said to Ms. Culpa, “Let me sum this up, if you will. You have a bird that you believe was personally designed by God, and that you consider as being the perfect embodiment of the Republican Party, its ideals and its morals. Is that correct?” “Yes, indeed.” replied Ms. Culpa. “And, if I may continue, this “perfect” bird is a cannibal, that can’t fly straight, and smashes face first into the ground after climbing to any significantly height. This ideal bird of yours perpetually threatens others by flashing a hairy-chested windbag, and petulantly flips off everything in sight with its muscular middle digit when it gets grumpy just to start a fight. It can’t see where it’s going and doesn’t want to. And on top of that, it breaks wind and sticks its head where the ‘car keys’ shouldn’t be when it gets itself into bind. Is that an accurate accounting, Ms. Culpa?” “Yes it is.” replied Ms. Culpa. “Well, thank you, Ms. Culpa. Just one last question, if I may.” “Certainly, go right ahead”, replied Ms. Culpa. “Yea. If they’re such aggressive creatures and they eat their own young, how do they reproduce?” I asked. “Well, we don’t have all the facts yet, but we are sure that it doesn’t involve sex, and if it did it would be after they were married, thank you!”

Claimer: The characters referred to herein are semi-nonfictional.  Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely intentional.  Comments can be sent to the author via this link: Hey, author!